Why I shouldn't have a baby:
1. I am too old.
2. I have a very bad back.
3. Gameguy would have to be institutionalized.
4. I might have to be institutionalized.
5. Comet WOULD NOT LIKE it.
Why I want to have a baby:
1. I love, love, love babies.
2. I am really good at babies. It's my best skill.
3. For reasons that were mostly not my fault, I ran out of time and did not get to
have enough babies.
There you have it. What I think about at least 25% of the time, sometimes more. Why I weep and become tetchy every time a friend, acquaintance or total stranger is pregnant or has a snoodly little bundle of their very own.
I realize that I got lucky just having one baby out of three pregnancies, but I want more.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
Monday Erratica
1. Shout out to my friend Impasta! I ran into her and her family at the Dogwood Festival carnival yesterday. She wanted to know if I beat "the system" and we did! We bought two unlimited ride wristbands for twenty dollars apiece and as the individual tickets were $1 per ticket, the boys had to go on over $40 worth of rides. As most of the rides cost three or four tickets per rider, and they rode 58 tickets worth of rides, I'd say we won. The whole experience cost $48, with snacks, and though all I got out of it was dirty feet and half a funnel cake, I still had fun seeing friendly faces and watching Gameguy and Comet spin around and around and around!
2. This weekend is the big six year-old blowout! Yes, Comet is turning six and there will be much celebrating! He is having a knights party with sixteen other four two six year-olds invited. They will have armour and to round out the event, each squire will receive a foam sword at the end of the festivities and become Sir So-And-So! Gameguy and I only have to keep our heads together for two hours. Wish the parents luck!
3. We bought a riding lawnmower. A John Deere--I feel so authentic. Anyway, now this cowgirl has to go wrangle up the sticks in the yard for the maiden voyage of John, Dear.
Peace out.
2. This weekend is the big six year-old blowout! Yes, Comet is turning six and there will be much celebrating! He is having a knights party with sixteen other four two six year-olds invited. They will have armour and to round out the event, each squire will receive a foam sword at the end of the festivities and become Sir So-And-So! Gameguy and I only have to keep our heads together for two hours. Wish the parents luck!
3. We bought a riding lawnmower. A John Deere--I feel so authentic. Anyway, now this cowgirl has to go wrangle up the sticks in the yard for the maiden voyage of John, Dear.
Peace out.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Doomsday Etiquette
Is it just me, or is it rude to caution other people about the coming of Judgment Day? I was at the gym today and this woman was going on and on about Judgment Day to the poor staff members who were stuck behind the check-in counter. Like how does she know that *she's* going to make it? Best to keep quiet and look busy. Anyway, I was offended on behalf of the desk staff and I wanted to say, "Hey lady, EVERY day is Judgment Day, and you are just not making my cut today!" Frankly, I hope God is not as judgmental as I am or woe betide us all!
On a lighter note, what would be my incentive to do anything I didn't want to (or have to) do if I knew the end was nigh? Don't tell me that the world is ending soon! I'm already a negligent housekeeper. Why bother doing the dishes? I can just use paper plates and the environment be damned! I'll buy new clothes on credit when the old ones get dirty! Heck, let's just live in hotels until the end of time. Seriously, a gal like me needs to believe in the consequences of the long haul.
So basically, I believe that we should all keep our heads in our own bowl and let everyone enjoy their own particular flavor of Puppy Chow. And be nice. We should all be as nice as we can be.
On a lighter note, what would be my incentive to do anything I didn't want to (or have to) do if I knew the end was nigh? Don't tell me that the world is ending soon! I'm already a negligent housekeeper. Why bother doing the dishes? I can just use paper plates and the environment be damned! I'll buy new clothes on credit when the old ones get dirty! Heck, let's just live in hotels until the end of time. Seriously, a gal like me needs to believe in the consequences of the long haul.
So basically, I believe that we should all keep our heads in our own bowl and let everyone enjoy their own particular flavor of Puppy Chow. And be nice. We should all be as nice as we can be.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Monday Erratica
1. A guy came over to give an estimate on putting new siding on our house and when he discovered that I was the person he would be dealing with (and not my husband) he was very condescending. Also, another siding outfit sent an email asking it you "both" will be there. What's the deal? Are spouses ordering siding unbeknownst to their s.o.'s and wreaking havoc for siding companies everywhere? Siding, it's just so damn titillating! How could a girl help herself? I should have just told him, "My husband doesn't deal with tradesman. In fact, we're considering a sister-wife or brother-husband who excels at dealing with tradesfolk and paying the bills on time. Know anyone?" Also, if you know anyone who is good with constant meowing (cats) and whining (kid), and has a kid that is five or older, have them give me a call. We don't have cable or a big TV, but would consider both for the right person.
2. I'm doing exercises to strengthen my back, but man it just hurts more. Also, I went to the gym today and got zero energy boost from my work out. I felt so cheated. Where is my boost? I want my half-an-hour back.
3. Hosted a knitting bee at my house. Some fun girls came over and we had a good time. Maybe this will make me more relaxed about having people over. But good luck, I doubt it.
4. All I really want out of life is a nap. Either I have everything in the world (just about) or I'm depressed or I have shit in my blood (thanks for that one, grandma). I think it's a mixture of the first two.
5. Thinking about going to NYC with Comet for part of spring break, but see above. Hmm, maybe Gameguy could take Comet to NYC (or anywhere) and I can sleep for three days. Or, I could go to NYC myself and sleep for three days. Life is full of such hard choices.
6. We have giant frogs in our pond, and at least eight fish have survived the winter. I am going to have to talk to the frogs about all of that loud singing at night, though. It's noisier out here in the country than it was in town!
7. Spring has sprung!
2. I'm doing exercises to strengthen my back, but man it just hurts more. Also, I went to the gym today and got zero energy boost from my work out. I felt so cheated. Where is my boost? I want my half-an-hour back.
3. Hosted a knitting bee at my house. Some fun girls came over and we had a good time. Maybe this will make me more relaxed about having people over. But good luck, I doubt it.
4. All I really want out of life is a nap. Either I have everything in the world (just about) or I'm depressed or I have shit in my blood (thanks for that one, grandma). I think it's a mixture of the first two.
5. Thinking about going to NYC with Comet for part of spring break, but see above. Hmm, maybe Gameguy could take Comet to NYC (or anywhere) and I can sleep for three days. Or, I could go to NYC myself and sleep for three days. Life is full of such hard choices.
6. We have giant frogs in our pond, and at least eight fish have survived the winter. I am going to have to talk to the frogs about all of that loud singing at night, though. It's noisier out here in the country than it was in town!
7. Spring has sprung!
Monday, March 1, 2010
Monday Erratica
I'm baaaack! The snow nearly did me in. Seriously. Very, very seriously.
Now for the list o' stuff:
1. We bought a new-to-us 2006 minivan named "Pearl" and are now embroiled in the process of deciding whether or not to return "her" because 2006 was a bad year for pick-up (technical term "oomph") in Sienna minivans.
2. And speaking of a lack of oomph, I am quite energy-free. I look at the squalor of my home and move my head back and forth like a dog contemplating something perplexing. I begin to think that a reverse vampire has been visiting me in the night and infusing me with the blood of Keith Richards (which KR doesn't need as he is being infused with the blood of virgins). My grandmother would have said, "You got shit in your blood." Nice. See also, winter doldrums. Anyone have a (legal) recipe for a Spring tonic?
3. I'm thinking of getting a vanity plate: MUFNTOP. It's all that.
4. I'm thinking of starting a new movement called the Middle Aged Rebellion. In this movement, people who consider themselves middle aged would tell any person or agency who was trying to sell us "youth" to nip it and tuck it up their butts. I've got friends who are so worried about their wrinkles that they're giving themselves more wrinkles!
5. I'm thinking, "less thinking, more doing."
6. The local 2010 board game convention is over and done. A good time was had by Gameguy. He especially loves the game auction and I must say, he outdid himself. Not only did he get some new games for himself, but in a bold and truly uncharacteristic move, he bought Comet a box of 400+ tiny gaming figures. Usually I buy the crap proclaiming "OVER 200 PIECES" on the box. This time, it wasn't me. There are orcs, skeletons, robots, guys with blow guns, guys that are part creature/part crossbow, and golems (golem?) to name a few. A cast of hundreds. And did I forget to mention the booby women? Barely clad and nearly unarmed (unless wings are considered weapons), these girls and their girls are representin' in Mage Quest/War/Domination/whatever. I think I will sneak them away. I can tell Comet there was a fairy convention or breast health seminar or something. Comet hasn't particularly noticed the "B-Girls" and he totally loves his new game.
I also participated in the game convention. Twice. Illegally, come to think of it, as I wasn't a paying participant. I enjoyed playing Bohnanza, but the other game, which involved quests was like a purgatory designed just for me.
That's all I got.
Now for the list o' stuff:
1. We bought a new-to-us 2006 minivan named "Pearl" and are now embroiled in the process of deciding whether or not to return "her" because 2006 was a bad year for pick-up (technical term "oomph") in Sienna minivans.
2. And speaking of a lack of oomph, I am quite energy-free. I look at the squalor of my home and move my head back and forth like a dog contemplating something perplexing. I begin to think that a reverse vampire has been visiting me in the night and infusing me with the blood of Keith Richards (which KR doesn't need as he is being infused with the blood of virgins). My grandmother would have said, "You got shit in your blood." Nice. See also, winter doldrums. Anyone have a (legal) recipe for a Spring tonic?
3. I'm thinking of getting a vanity plate: MUFNTOP. It's all that.
4. I'm thinking of starting a new movement called the Middle Aged Rebellion. In this movement, people who consider themselves middle aged would tell any person or agency who was trying to sell us "youth" to nip it and tuck it up their butts. I've got friends who are so worried about their wrinkles that they're giving themselves more wrinkles!
5. I'm thinking, "less thinking, more doing."
6. The local 2010 board game convention is over and done. A good time was had by Gameguy. He especially loves the game auction and I must say, he outdid himself. Not only did he get some new games for himself, but in a bold and truly uncharacteristic move, he bought Comet a box of 400+ tiny gaming figures. Usually I buy the crap proclaiming "OVER 200 PIECES" on the box. This time, it wasn't me. There are orcs, skeletons, robots, guys with blow guns, guys that are part creature/part crossbow, and golems (golem?) to name a few. A cast of hundreds. And did I forget to mention the booby women? Barely clad and nearly unarmed (unless wings are considered weapons), these girls and their girls are representin' in Mage Quest/War/Domination/whatever. I think I will sneak them away. I can tell Comet there was a fairy convention or breast health seminar or something. Comet hasn't particularly noticed the "B-Girls" and he totally loves his new game.
I also participated in the game convention. Twice. Illegally, come to think of it, as I wasn't a paying participant. I enjoyed playing Bohnanza, but the other game, which involved quests was like a purgatory designed just for me.
That's all I got.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Be my Valentine!
Valentine's Day is upon us and I've been meaning to share my Valentine's philosophy, because it's a good one. We are stuck with this Hallmark Holiday that makes half of us really happy and makes the rest feel left out in the cold. I say, take Valentine's day back! Make it a family and friend day as well as a day for "luvvers. Or better yet, be your own best Valentine. Get yourself a little something. And don't wait for the half-price candy available on February 15! You are worth full price!
Not counting the past ten years of my total of 44, I never had a romantic Valentine (well one, and no, it wasn't Peter Frampton). I grew up in the days when teachers didn't make you bring in a little folded Fat Albert Valentine for EVERYONE in the class ("Hey! Hey! Hey! You're the Greatest!"). You were at the mercy of the mothers of your classmates. Some, like my own who insisted that I give a Valentine to everyone (which led to merciless teasing about me and a kid named Dewey "sittin' in a tree"). Then there were the other moms who threw a pack of valentines at their kid and went back to watching Merv Griffin or sloppin' the hogs or whatever they happened to be into. These days, teachers insist on Valentines for all--yay, teachers! Nipping the early feelings of Valentine's Day inadequacy in the bud and having an easier day with happier children to teach.
If school was a disappointment in the Valentine department, I must say that in an unusual display of consideration for the feeling of it's members, my family turned Valentine's Day into a family holiday. I grew up in a household where I was the only person who wasn't a widow. If we had been waiting for cupid, we would never have known the sweet taste of Russell Stover's Nuts and Chews. My Mom and Grandmother always bought me a heart-shaped box of chocolates and a card and I gave them little gifts, too. My Aunt even got into the act, and we exchanged candy Valentines with my cousins. So, aside from the slings and lack of cupid's arrows coming at me in grade school, I learned early that I didn't have to sit around "with my hand on my ass" (expression ala my Mama) waiting for a guy to luuuurrrrve me on February 14.
In college, when Valentine's Day and having a boyfriend became more important, my cousin Fancy and I became each others Valentines. Neither of us had a love interest, so we would send one another candy and cards from our respective colleges. Once we even went out to dinner on Valentine's day and you should have seen us at our table for two right next to the kitchen and witnessed the lousy service extended to the one non-hetero couple in the place. But we had a great time and laughed ourselves silly. And we didn't have to deal with any sexual pressure, either! Thanks, Fancy!
After college, even though, through either death or estrangement, my family Valentine connection had dried up, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I became my own best Valentine. I made sure that bought myself something smashing for valentines day, usually earrings or a book I wanted. I made Valentines for my girlfriends in the spirit of Valentine inclusiveness. I remember some guy kind of giving me a pitying line because I wouldn't be getting any Valentine attention. I pointed to my sensational new earrings and said, "I get my own Valentines." He thought this was crazy and not a little pathetic. I think what was really crazy and really pathetic was that he was married and didn't bother to wear his ring or mention his wife or numerous children the whole time I knew him. I bet he was a great Valentine.
Okay, then there was the one time that I did have a boyfriend (pre-Gameguy) on Valentine's day, but by Valentine's day the relationship was unraveling and no amount of gifts, roses, and candlelit dinners could make it better. So, while it was a minor romantic victory to have an actual boyfriend on Valentine's Day, it more disappointing than romantic. Blerg. Thus proving that having a love interest on Valentine's Day does not insure happiness and can even be a little sad.
So, skip ahead two years and I meet my Gameguy and now I get a great, usually weird Valentine gift book that's about death or parasites and a Cadbury fruit and nut candy bar and it's fab! He gets a gift chocolate and we order Chinese and watch a dvd and it is all I want in a Valentine's day. With Comet added to the mix, and I get a terrific handmade surprise and another person to induct in the family Valentine tradition. We make Valentines for grandma and Fancy, and add his favorite General Tsao's Tofu to our Chinese order.
And I haven't given up on being my own Valentine, either. Yesterday, cruising the aisles of Whole Foods, I spied a pair of freshwater pearl and crystal earrings that called out to me, "Happy Valentine's Day, you groovy gal, you," and I bought them on the spot. "The greatest love of all..." and all that.
So, along with being my Valentine (no gifts or cards required), I challenge everyone to put a broader spin on this little thing called Valentine's Day. It's here and it's everywhere. Instead of hanging your head or beating yourself up for lack of a love interest, make it your own! Get yourself a little something, get together with your friends! Delight a child with some candy. This is your Valentine's Day party, and you can invite everyone, if you want to!
Not counting the past ten years of my total of 44, I never had a romantic Valentine (well one, and no, it wasn't Peter Frampton). I grew up in the days when teachers didn't make you bring in a little folded Fat Albert Valentine for EVERYONE in the class ("Hey! Hey! Hey! You're the Greatest!"). You were at the mercy of the mothers of your classmates. Some, like my own who insisted that I give a Valentine to everyone (which led to merciless teasing about me and a kid named Dewey "sittin' in a tree"). Then there were the other moms who threw a pack of valentines at their kid and went back to watching Merv Griffin or sloppin' the hogs or whatever they happened to be into. These days, teachers insist on Valentines for all--yay, teachers! Nipping the early feelings of Valentine's Day inadequacy in the bud and having an easier day with happier children to teach.
If school was a disappointment in the Valentine department, I must say that in an unusual display of consideration for the feeling of it's members, my family turned Valentine's Day into a family holiday. I grew up in a household where I was the only person who wasn't a widow. If we had been waiting for cupid, we would never have known the sweet taste of Russell Stover's Nuts and Chews. My Mom and Grandmother always bought me a heart-shaped box of chocolates and a card and I gave them little gifts, too. My Aunt even got into the act, and we exchanged candy Valentines with my cousins. So, aside from the slings and lack of cupid's arrows coming at me in grade school, I learned early that I didn't have to sit around "with my hand on my ass" (expression ala my Mama) waiting for a guy to luuuurrrrve me on February 14.
In college, when Valentine's Day and having a boyfriend became more important, my cousin Fancy and I became each others Valentines. Neither of us had a love interest, so we would send one another candy and cards from our respective colleges. Once we even went out to dinner on Valentine's day and you should have seen us at our table for two right next to the kitchen and witnessed the lousy service extended to the one non-hetero couple in the place. But we had a great time and laughed ourselves silly. And we didn't have to deal with any sexual pressure, either! Thanks, Fancy!
After college, even though, through either death or estrangement, my family Valentine connection had dried up, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I became my own best Valentine. I made sure that bought myself something smashing for valentines day, usually earrings or a book I wanted. I made Valentines for my girlfriends in the spirit of Valentine inclusiveness. I remember some guy kind of giving me a pitying line because I wouldn't be getting any Valentine attention. I pointed to my sensational new earrings and said, "I get my own Valentines." He thought this was crazy and not a little pathetic. I think what was really crazy and really pathetic was that he was married and didn't bother to wear his ring or mention his wife or numerous children the whole time I knew him. I bet he was a great Valentine.
Okay, then there was the one time that I did have a boyfriend (pre-Gameguy) on Valentine's day, but by Valentine's day the relationship was unraveling and no amount of gifts, roses, and candlelit dinners could make it better. So, while it was a minor romantic victory to have an actual boyfriend on Valentine's Day, it more disappointing than romantic. Blerg. Thus proving that having a love interest on Valentine's Day does not insure happiness and can even be a little sad.
So, skip ahead two years and I meet my Gameguy and now I get a great, usually weird Valentine gift book that's about death or parasites and a Cadbury fruit and nut candy bar and it's fab! He gets a gift chocolate and we order Chinese and watch a dvd and it is all I want in a Valentine's day. With Comet added to the mix, and I get a terrific handmade surprise and another person to induct in the family Valentine tradition. We make Valentines for grandma and Fancy, and add his favorite General Tsao's Tofu to our Chinese order.
And I haven't given up on being my own Valentine, either. Yesterday, cruising the aisles of Whole Foods, I spied a pair of freshwater pearl and crystal earrings that called out to me, "Happy Valentine's Day, you groovy gal, you," and I bought them on the spot. "The greatest love of all..." and all that.
So, along with being my Valentine (no gifts or cards required), I challenge everyone to put a broader spin on this little thing called Valentine's Day. It's here and it's everywhere. Instead of hanging your head or beating yourself up for lack of a love interest, make it your own! Get yourself a little something, get together with your friends! Delight a child with some candy. This is your Valentine's Day party, and you can invite everyone, if you want to!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Things we lost in the move
My grandmother, lets call her "the Nanja," had a life list of the three greatest inventions ever created The list included the machine gun, the jeep and the helicopter. Her young adult years were spent during WW II, so we shouldn't judge. Those *were* some cool new creations. In later years, the Nanja had her own toy machine gun that made authentic rat-tat-tat sounds and scared the shit out my uncle on one memorable evening (nearly leading to the untimely deaths of two prankster cousins).
Well, the times the are a-changin' at least for me. I have my own list, but my motto seems to be, "make food, not war" because the two items on my list of the all time best inventions are my Kitchen Aid Professional mixer (industrial gray) and, until recently, my Braun hand held immersion blender. I'm still casting about for the number three on my list. The microwave comes to mind. Anyway, the sad part of this tale is that since we moved, I cannot locate my immersion blender. Kitchen life as I knew it is a thing of the past. No more whipping up beans for burritos in seconds. It's mash, mash, mash with a potato masher, and it's just not as thorough. I mean, there a visable beans and Comet is only "kinda-kinda" on visible beans. Also, for whipping potatoes, it couldn't be beat. The only thing I can imagine is that I left it hanging in it's convenient wall mounted holder in our old kitchen.
And an we talk about the appliances I do have and never use? Two fondue sets (par-tay), an ice cream maker, a bread machine, a meat grinding/pasta making attachment for my Kitchen Aid and a salad shooter. I'd give them away, but there's always that slim, slim chance that I'll have an overwhelming desire to throw a fondue, shredded vegetable and ice cream party, and them where would I be?
But, as appliances leave us, new appliances come into our lives to brighten and, occasionally, warm our days. I am speaking of course of my early Valentine's gift from the thoughty Gameguy. It's a sexy red electric faux woodstove with faux flames and real heat. I'm going to put it up in our palatial bedroom suite and pretend I'm Jane Austen toasting my toes in front of an open "fire" while I create my masterpieces (er, blog entries). Fantasies can come true!
I bid you goodnight and bon apetit!
Well, the times the are a-changin' at least for me. I have my own list, but my motto seems to be, "make food, not war" because the two items on my list of the all time best inventions are my Kitchen Aid Professional mixer (industrial gray) and, until recently, my Braun hand held immersion blender. I'm still casting about for the number three on my list. The microwave comes to mind. Anyway, the sad part of this tale is that since we moved, I cannot locate my immersion blender. Kitchen life as I knew it is a thing of the past. No more whipping up beans for burritos in seconds. It's mash, mash, mash with a potato masher, and it's just not as thorough. I mean, there a visable beans and Comet is only "kinda-kinda" on visible beans. Also, for whipping potatoes, it couldn't be beat. The only thing I can imagine is that I left it hanging in it's convenient wall mounted holder in our old kitchen.
And an we talk about the appliances I do have and never use? Two fondue sets (par-tay), an ice cream maker, a bread machine, a meat grinding/pasta making attachment for my Kitchen Aid and a salad shooter. I'd give them away, but there's always that slim, slim chance that I'll have an overwhelming desire to throw a fondue, shredded vegetable and ice cream party, and them where would I be?
But, as appliances leave us, new appliances come into our lives to brighten and, occasionally, warm our days. I am speaking of course of my early Valentine's gift from the thoughty Gameguy. It's a sexy red electric faux woodstove with faux flames and real heat. I'm going to put it up in our palatial bedroom suite and pretend I'm Jane Austen toasting my toes in front of an open "fire" while I create my masterpieces (er, blog entries). Fantasies can come true!
I bid you goodnight and bon apetit!
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