Monday Erratica

1. Comet and his friend, Einstein, are happily playing a video game in the next room. They.Are.So.Loud. What the hell was I thinking when we bought this open plan house! Why didn't I hold out for a basement rumpus room? My aching head. Sitting outside in the pouring rain is looking mighty attractive. Or maybe I could go sit out in the van...

2. I saw a commercial at the gym today. I didn't have my headphones, so I only got the visuals, but basically it showed this woman in the grocery store looking for something. It turned out to be her two young children who were running amok in the produce section. The next scene is the same woman walking into the house as her small daughter drops a water balloon from upstairs and it splatters next to her small son who is watching TV. It was an ad for an I.U.D.

3. We planted some pumpkin seeds a couple of weeks ago and they are taking over the world. I am having a gardening service come and till a pumpkin patch and it can't happen too soon!

4. Yesterday, my friend and neighbor asked me how I would feel about having animals in our rather large, currently unused dog pen. Livestock. Have I mentioned my formative years spent in close proximity to our bovine friends? She wants to go in on a miniature cow with a couple of people and share the milk. I looked miniature cows up on the internet and they are soooo cute, I would kiss one if it was standing in my kitchen right now. However, livestock is work. There's the poop, and with the poop come the flies. Then comes the milking of the cow and I couldn't help think of a friend who milked her goats and when she strained the milk, there were all these hairs and ickies in the strainer afterward. And what about pasteurization? (I'm a wimp that way.) And cows can get sick and wouldn't it be lonely? Then you would need two. Also, would it "moo" very early in the morning, because I'm not down with that. So no tiny, adorable, sweet little cow in my dog pen. I hope my friend gets a miniature cow and finds a place to put it in the neighborhood so that I can kiss it and give it carrots (or whatever they like). I admire my friend's creative ideas and pioneer spirit, but face it, if I had lived in the 1800's, I would have been the first pioneer buried 'longside the trail. "It was her either her tonsils or the fact that she hadn't bathed in a month that did ol' Gusta in," the hardier pioneers would recall as the shucked and milked and sowed.

4. Today, I had a fortuitous meeting with Impasta and two other friends at the local Panera and joined them for a chat. It was like getting an unexpected present!

5. We are storing our lawnmower in the garage and the stink of the gas and oil that is coming through the laundry room door is nauseating. Maybe *that* can go in the dog pen!

That's it.

Lady Pain

Okay, so I thought I was just having regular decrepit, aged pain, so I took some Tylenol. Didn't work. Still, I thought, this must just be really, really decrepit, aged pain, and I took MORE Tylenol. Guess what? Didn't work. Then I realized: Oshit! It was LADY PAIN! (Pardon me, non-spousal male reader(s).) And I had already more than wasted my painkiller quotient! If I had only known, I would have gone for the Ibuprofen! What's a girl to do?

Drink Chardonnay, of course. Luckily for me, and those closest to me, I had laid in a bottle of Toasted Head Chardonnay for my birthday (a week hence), and all I had to do was pop the cork. A glass and-a-half later, I am a bit tipsy, but feelin' no pain.

This experience made me realize/remember that I am SO grateful for ibuprofen and those who "fought" to make it and over-the-counter drug. I salute you, whoever the heck you are (were)! You see, before the advent of ibuprofen, I could only alleviate my Lady Pain with alcohol, and I didn't even figure *that* out until my late twenties--way too late. I was the woman whose eyes suddenly bugged out of her head during a work meeting and when asked, "What's wrong?" gasped, "Nothing, WHY do you ASK?" Aspirin? Bwhahahahaha! Tylenol? Don't GET me started! By the by, I'm not so much saluting the Chardonnay-ists, as I will feel this tomorrow.

I'm happy to add ibuprofen to my gratitude short list. I have, actually, tons to be grateful for, and I'm starting a class this week to learn to feel more gratitude. Before the ibuprofen realization, I was only deeply committed to my gratitude to the local trash collection service which now lets me mingle my trash and recyclables! I can't even express the joy that gives me. (And also, that time when GameGuy got the gum out of the dryer when it was totally my fault and my gum...) With me, it's the little things. Always the little things.

So, in my funky little Gusta way, I'm grateful. Also, a bit drunk.

P.S. Apologies to Impasta: "We'll always have the Burrito place..." Sometimes it *is* the hill of beans!

P.P.S. I'm reading "The Adventures of Kavalier and Clay" (Michael Chabon) and it's the best book I've read since "The Corrections" (Jonathan Frantzen). GameGuy gets a big ol' "I told you so!" as he's been telling me to read it for eight years and I have been demurring because I'm always sure I'll hate things that people tell me I will love. Silly me.

My baby is six!

Comet is six with a bullet (and many, many sticks that are his "guns")! He is smart, sassy, funny and the center of our world. He's big. It seems like only yesterday that we brought him home, like some tiny, weird, exotic pet that we had to learn to care for with no "Guide to Care and Feeding Of" booklet. Now he's a big boy and can argue like a lawyer. He reads. He writes. He is a math whiz. He is a Kung Fu fighter and a soccer superstar. A Rock 'em Sock 'em robot champ. He enjoys video games, Broadway musicals and all types of weaponry. His new favorite word (succeeding "butt") is "Duh." He is impatient and cuddly, sweet and tart. He is a ball of energy and I love to watch blaze across my sky!

Happy birthday, my little Comet!

Pros and Cons

Why I shouldn't have a baby:

1. I am too old.

2. I have a very bad back.

3. Gameguy would have to be institutionalized.

4. I might have to be institutionalized.

5. Comet WOULD NOT LIKE it.

Why I want to have a baby:

1. I love, love, love babies.

2. I am really good at babies. It's my best skill.

3. For reasons that were mostly not my fault, I ran out of time and did not get to
have enough babies.

There you have it. What I think about at least 25% of the time, sometimes more. Why I weep and become tetchy every time a friend, acquaintance or total stranger is pregnant or has a snoodly little bundle of their very own.

I realize that I got lucky just having one baby out of three pregnancies, but I want more.

Monday Erratica

1. Shout out to my friend Impasta! I ran into her and her family at the Dogwood Festival carnival yesterday. She wanted to know if I beat "the system" and we did! We bought two unlimited ride wristbands for twenty dollars apiece and as the individual tickets were $1 per ticket, the boys had to go on over $40 worth of rides. As most of the rides cost three or four tickets per rider, and they rode 58 tickets worth of rides, I'd say we won. The whole experience cost $48, with snacks, and though all I got out of it was dirty feet and half a funnel cake, I still had fun seeing friendly faces and watching Gameguy and Comet spin around and around and around!

2. This weekend is the big six year-old blowout! Yes, Comet is turning six and there will be much celebrating! He is having a knights party with sixteen other four two six year-olds invited. They will have armour and to round out the event, each squire will receive a foam sword at the end of the festivities and become Sir So-And-So! Gameguy and I only have to keep our heads together for two hours. Wish the parents luck!

3. We bought a riding lawnmower. A John Deere--I feel so authentic. Anyway, now this cowgirl has to go wrangle up the sticks in the yard for the maiden voyage of John, Dear.

Peace out.

Doomsday Etiquette

Is it just me, or is it rude to caution other people about the coming of Judgment Day? I was at the gym today and this woman was going on and on about Judgment Day to the poor staff members who were stuck behind the check-in counter. Like how does she know that *she's* going to make it? Best to keep quiet and look busy. Anyway, I was offended on behalf of the desk staff and I wanted to say, "Hey lady, EVERY day is Judgment Day, and you are just not making my cut today!" Frankly, I hope God is not as judgmental as I am or woe betide us all!

On a lighter note, what would be my incentive to do anything I didn't want to (or have to) do if I knew the end was nigh? Don't tell me that the world is ending soon! I'm already a negligent housekeeper. Why bother doing the dishes? I can just use paper plates and the environment be damned! I'll buy new clothes on credit when the old ones get dirty! Heck, let's just live in hotels until the end of time. Seriously, a gal like me needs to believe in the consequences of the long haul.

So basically, I believe that we should all keep our heads in our own bowl and let everyone enjoy their own particular flavor of Puppy Chow. And be nice. We should all be as nice as we can be.

Monday Erratica

1. A guy came over to give an estimate on putting new siding on our house and when he discovered that I was the person he would be dealing with (and not my husband) he was very condescending. Also, another siding outfit sent an email asking it you "both" will be there. What's the deal? Are spouses ordering siding unbeknownst to their s.o.'s and wreaking havoc for siding companies everywhere? Siding, it's just so damn titillating! How could a girl help herself? I should have just told him, "My husband doesn't deal with tradesman. In fact, we're considering a sister-wife or brother-husband who excels at dealing with tradesfolk and paying the bills on time. Know anyone?" Also, if you know anyone who is good with constant meowing (cats) and whining (kid), and has a kid that is five or older, have them give me a call. We don't have cable or a big TV, but would consider both for the right person.

2. I'm doing exercises to strengthen my back, but man it just hurts more. Also, I went to the gym today and got zero energy boost from my work out. I felt so cheated. Where is my boost? I want my half-an-hour back.

3. Hosted a knitting bee at my house. Some fun girls came over and we had a good time. Maybe this will make me more relaxed about having people over. But good luck, I doubt it.

4. All I really want out of life is a nap. Either I have everything in the world (just about) or I'm depressed or I have shit in my blood (thanks for that one, grandma). I think it's a mixture of the first two.

5. Thinking about going to NYC with Comet for part of spring break, but see above. Hmm, maybe Gameguy could take Comet to NYC (or anywhere) and I can sleep for three days. Or, I could go to NYC myself and sleep for three days. Life is full of such hard choices.

6. We have giant frogs in our pond, and at least eight fish have survived the winter. I am going to have to talk to the frogs about all of that loud singing at night, though. It's noisier out here in the country than it was in town!

7. Spring has sprung!